How to Support Someone Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy, Without Pushing or Pressure

I’m pregnant.

When this brief sentence is uttered by someone you love, who wasn’t expecting to say it, the immediate effect can be disorienting. And often, our love for her can lead to well-intentioned but misguided reactions.

Support begins with controlling our initial need to fix or advise. While these responses arise from a place of love and concern, they are rarely what she needs in the moment. 

Rachel Rails, a Client Services Specialist at Resource Health, shares the best ways to offer support when someone you love faces an unexpected pregnancy.

1. Listen.

Rachel has noticed a sobering reality few loved ones remember in the immediacy of such intense news:

“When she tells you she is pregnant it could very well be the first time she is saying it out loud to someone else.”

You have a rare opportunity to allow her to unload everything she has bottled up until that moment.

Rachel recommends saying something like:

“Tell me how you feel.  Everything you’re feeling.”

Give her the space to express what she’s feeling. She will never forget you, the one who gave her the space to do this.

Giving her the chance to share how she feels effectively destroys loneliness and isolation. When someone truly listens they have offered to walk with her.

“Sometimes,” Rachel added, “ just sharing how you feel makes you feel less alone.”

If you are a partner, friend, or family member it is important to remember that your desire to fix or advise isn't inherently bad. These desires come with good intentions. But, just because they come from the right place does not mean they are the best first-step.

The best first step is always to offer an open sounding board with no agenda.

2. Lead With Support.

Rachel has learned that the best thing a loved one can initially say to a woman who has just shared her unexpected pregnancy with you is to tell her:

“I’m here for you.”

By acknowledging your willingness to remain by her side, you dispel one of the greatest fears a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy can have — the fear of being alone.

When your initial response is one of advocacy and presence, you eliminate one of the most terrifying components of an unexpected pregnancy.

Remember, grace is a better motivator than shame, and this is the first of many conversations.

The irony is that many who lead with advice find that their words could have been more effective had they been more intentional  in regard to when and how they offered it. Advice at this tender moment is often overwhelming, and often accomplishes the opposite of what is intended, creating more confusion than clarity.

“It is easy to forget,” Rachel notes, “that when a woman discovers she’s pregnant unexpectedly, her mind is going faster than you can possibly imagine. So, even if you are speaking with her one-on-one, you can’t assume she is fully present given everything that is on her mind.”

This is why your calm presence and real support have the ability to serve as an anchor in such a disorienting moment.

3. Acknowledge her feelings first, before expressing yours.

For many readers, it is entirely possible you are sensing that what is being asked is to surrender your position, or violate a deep-seated ethic.

For others, it is easy to equate the notion of listening and unconditional support with an affirmation of things you might not believe in.

This leads us to a vital realization:

Your ability to be a sounding board for everything she immediately feels during the initial shock of an unexpected pregnancy is not an affirmation of everything she says.

Rachel puts it very simply: “Avoid the urge to respond out of emotion.”

Part of her having the freedom to voice everything she immediately feels is for you to remember that even she doesn’t believe or accept everything she initially says and feels. This is why leading with listening and offering total support is so crucial at the onset.

When someone confides in you enough to tell you she is pregnant, she is feeling enough for the both of you.

Recognize her feelings. You don’t have to agree with them, but give her the room to air them out. One of the best gifts a person can give to someone else is to be a safe enough place for her to say things to you that she would not feel comfortable telling anyone else, even things she might later wish she hadn’t said or thought at all. This is okay, because there is strength in vulnerabiity.

When she first tells you she is pregnant she is not yet to the point of action, or even planning action. She is still trying to wrap her head around what she is saying to you.

You are not violating any personal beliefs or feelings by proving to be a safe place for her.

You Showed Up for Her. We Will Too.

No one has ever solved all the puzzles of an unexpected pregnancy in the first conversation. Along with listening to her, giving her space to be vulnerable, remember that many unknown days are ahead for her.

Her being able to tell you and you offering her support was a crucial first step. Make sure you are with her for all corresponding steps. And, just like you offered her unconditional love and support, remember that she will find the same thing here at Resource Health.